Things People Say: Hurtful vs. Helpful
When someone has gone through pregnancy or infant loss sometimes the things people to say can be hurtful even though they meant well.
I was only 20 years old when I delivered my stillborn son. Often times I was told I had plenty of time to have more kids. Sure, they were right, but I still wanted my baby back.
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Why Are Things People Say Hurtful?
Grief is a necessary emotional state to be in when dealing with a loss. But because it is so emotional, things that are logical aren’t always the best things to say.
Often times, the things people say aren’t bad or false, but they aren’t exactly helpful. I touch on this a little in my book, Joy In Suffering:
Oh, how I longed to have him in my arms again.
Rosemary Pope
Though people mean well, sometimes the things people say are not comforting at all.
It doesn’t change the fact that your baby is gone or that you want them back. It can almost seem as if they don’t care about your pain and that you need to move on. That seems dramatic to someone who has never experienced a loss of a baby or child. Especially when their intentions are good and are trying to help you think positively.
Honestly, there are no words to fix those problems, but there can be a better way for people to say they care.

How Can People Be Helpful With Their Words?
What would be a better alternative to the things people have said to me?
For me it would have been helpful for someone to meet me where I was at. I was deep in grief and the last thing I wanted was for someone to speak positive to me. I know it’s good to be positive- I titled a book, “Joy In Suffering”– but early on, more than anything I just needed someone to be with me.
- It would have done wonders for someone to sympathize by saying, “I’m so sorry. I can imagine this is one of the hardest experiences to go through. I pray for God’s peace that passes all understanding to cover you.”
Thankfully, I did receive responses like the example I gave. In fact, having someone not sugar-coat the pain and actually acknowledge it gave me strength. My pain was being validated and when it was followed up by praying for God’s peace to cover me, I knew this is where my strength would come from. A response like this is what helped me the most.

A quote that has helped me:
I came across a C.S. Lewis quote this past year that has clung to me ever since I read it. It’s been years now since I experienced the initial grief from the losses of some of my children, yet because Lewis acknowledges the pain his words speak volumes still.
C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
What Are Some Things People Have Said That Hurt You?
I am planning on expanding this post, but I want to hear from you! Tell me: What is something(s) people have said to you that was hurtful regarding the loss of your baby? Why was it hurtful? What is something helpful they could have said instead?
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